The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”