INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
yes, those are my real potatoes.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives