The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two