Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

mathematically impossible

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up