It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Mouse
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.