It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.