It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Is your wife single?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.