Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

ㅤ

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate