It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.