Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.