Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.