IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis