Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

The pasta is now

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…