Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

happy friday

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.