Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”