Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.