Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.