Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

North and South

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax