italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
🙋♀️
