italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
this has to be peak English
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.