Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
