Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
rip to my favourite tweet
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
mentally somewhere in italy
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt