Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me trying to walk in a dream
Bond. Trauma bond.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”