Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Need this in my life lol
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet