Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
🐶😂
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”