Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Rooting for the overdog
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.