Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.