Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

reminder

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead