It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired