It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You Might Also Like
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell