Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.