Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Well, shit

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart