(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.