(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Going into Monday like
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?