Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.