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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them