Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Camel dough

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

All right then, keep your secrets

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly