It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I love texting my boyfriend
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.