It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK