Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.