it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Shark week, but for squirrels.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota