it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
ugh not again
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…