it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
![]()
You Might Also Like
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
![]()
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
he’s doing your taxes
![]()
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.