“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
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[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”