Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Bruh PLEASE

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

They grow up so quick

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend