“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Leonardo DiCaprisun
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
haha same
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”