“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?