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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣