It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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Fruity
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Fries, not lies.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”