Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

shit, they caught us—run!!!

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process