It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Catering service
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie