It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
New nose
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.