It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”