It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado