Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

every single time

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.