It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I Can’t Tonight…
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.