It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
You Might Also Like
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
They’re not wrong
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”