It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?