Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?