Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…..pretty much.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.