It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
A bold strategy
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen