Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”