Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Me: how are you

Friday: good

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

I created you as mosquito food.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?