Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

I believe the plural is “milves.”

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.