It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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consequences, the bane of my existence
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
i don鈥檛 think it鈥檒l all fit in there
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I鈥檓 happy.
That guy is a genius.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn鈥檛 send symbols on glowing screen
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
if i text you “馃ぉ” it means i have a starfish over each eye
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
That eye roll….
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that鈥檚 not my rule to enforce
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I鈥檒l drink to that
Don鈥檛 make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*