Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go