It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
first responders? you mean reply guys?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.