It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
