DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.